The Rooney chit chat accompanied us deep in to the weekend and one could usually establish any one commentator’s general view by studying their noun usage. At various points, Manchester United’s manager was a revered ‘Sir Alex Ferguson’, a familiar ‘Alex’, or a chummy ‘Fergie’. Rooney was usually a formal ‘Rooney’ though a few ventured towards a ‘Wayne’ delivered with just the right hint of detached concern, like they were discussing a child of their friend who has just dropped out of college. The coverage of the story has been excessive but by far the more irritating trend of the weekend was various phone in hosts adopting world weary tones and begging for a change of topic as they wanted to talk about something else, as if the option to instigate conversation about something else were one not open to them.
The pithiest comment came from the advertising boards placed around Stoke’s Britannia Stadium: “compromise is not an option,” they said (advertising Sky’s 3D service, and wisely stopping short of confirming that not wearing those glasses that make you look really silly is also not an option). You certainly don’t have to tell the Glazer family that, the particulars of Rooney’s new contract apparently stipulating the actual names of players he wants signed over the next few years. Though some solace for them probably came in the shape of the long distance phone call to Rooney’s home where most of this was sorted out, which they were probably sensible enough to leverage against the costs of his goal bonuses and cigarette expenses.
All the negative talk of Rooney seemed to centre on him being a bit of a baby. Which is not only to simplify the situation but also overlook how joyful it can be to see footballers act like big kids. Two great examples at the weekend: Van Der Vaart giving the ball landing at his feet inches from goal a giant wellying in a manner which would have, had their game against Everton been played without nets, led to an argument between striker and a goalkeeper angered at seeing it hit such an unnecessary distance about with whom the responsibility lay for its collection. You know like when the strikers in a rush to restart the game and rushes to pick up the ball before the goalkeeper does- the opposite of that. And Stoke’s Tuncay pretending not to notice Man United were planning a short corner in favour of hovering around the near post looking busy: a move he lifted directly out of my formative years’ playbook. Sorenson’s angered clip suggested he was taking the role of my unsettlingly aggressive P.E teacher- though at least he was gloved and most won’t still be appearing in marked anxiety dreams years down the line.
And there was a lot of talk about offside, because Ronaldo used one little known aspect of the rule to his advantage for Real Madrid, leading Andy Gray to decry ‘these so called laws’, in the process taking the usage of the phrase ‘so called’ to a point from which it’s hard to see it ever properly returning. At no point during that phase of Gray’s analysis should the term have ever been deemed active. Unless, of course, Andy would rather have us refer to the grounding principles that underpin every game of association football to the same code by something that rolls easier off the tongue. Last Monday night he demonstrated the key tenants of a bad challenge on Richard Keys’ shins, this week he was going in unreasonably hard on the English language. Keys, sensibly perhaps, thought better of tackling him on his point.
