"You're not slinging anymore..."

We should take a second to mourn the passing of one of the game’s premier metaphors. RIP the 'David and Goliath' cup tie- crudely hacked to pieces by Jim Belgin, proving that even terms as allegorically rich as this one have their breaking point.

Many had thought it was a day we would never see, but as Jim Belgin remarked that in order to catch a loose ball, Jermaine Beckford would have had to have had ‘the sling David was using’ the analogy was finally stretched beyond all elasticity- and that’s not even to comment on what stretched to retrieving a full sized football would have done to the elasticity of the sling itself. Nor, on the further handwringing complications induced by trying to decide if the sling was active in the build up to the move and thus playing Beckford offside.

It took one back to Tottenham travelling to Chelsea earlier in the season and the claims that “the bus is running today!”- A reference to Jose Mourniho’s ‘park the bus’ jibe of years past, but one which appeared to be confusing poetic imagery for crude literalism. One positively hates to hear ‘park the bus’ in any context now, aware of how horribly mangled its interpretation his been handled by the professionals charged with covering football in this country.

A similar fate has now surely befell one of our more relied on tropes, and it has left many, mainly ITV employees, wondering where the David/ Goliath analogy can go next, as well as reflecting on its storied past.

You will remember David, drawn away against an opponent few gave him much chance with, set up with a bravely attacking formation, and against an out of sorts Goliath, perhaps playing with an eye on forthcoming European fixtures, was able to perform a smash and grab raid, with the emphasis firmly on the ‘smash’ bit, which left his opponent grounded, dazed and in serious need of a week off work recuperating in front of a House boxset.

So juicily did this relate to myriad cup games pairing premier sides against slightly somewhere south of premier sides, that many have, in the past, assumed that it was in fact an apocryphal tale designed solely with the intention of giving commentators charged with a cup game something to say waiting for a throw in to be taken. But, as that would mean it’s made up, and as it first appeared in the bible that can obviously not be true.

Others use it with a flexibility which perhaps serves to derive from the extent of David’s achievement, ranking it alongside a mid table championship side battling for a brave draw at a Premier League ground. Even on Saturday, in a period the will henceforth been known as Before Belgin, we had Leeds playing Sheffield United in 2003 as an example of “Leeds being Goliath”. We were concerned that having any team led by Terry Venables was in serious danger of making the tag ‘Goliath’ look seriously sarcastic- or at least mildly satirical. But we at least understood what was been got at, diminished at it may well have left David’s feat.

Why should we not? For sporting fans, it is a bible passage unrivalled in its infamy. Off the top of one’s head, only the “3.16” given copious air space at World Wrestling events can be seen as a genuine competitor in bible passage terms- and that’s only rose to prominence because of fortunate positioning in the middle of the book: the bit flipped to first by desperate travelling salesmen in American motels scouring to see if any passing evangelical has left $200 as testament to the power of faith in God, presumably unaware that this may strike sceptic minds as..well, cheating a bit.

So it pains to see David/Goliath sacrificed this way, pains to bare witness to the demise of football’s relationship with the bible. But, as Jesus rose again, so too, we feel can David and even, after a proper rest and a thorough head check at the nearest emergency room, Goliath. Football needs this; we need this. But first the Leeds/ Spurs repay to get through. Be vigilant, stand firm, and, most importantly, be on the lookout for any airborne and divinely powered rocks.