I 8 You 2

Defending the performance of his team during their defeat at Manchester United on Sunday, Arsene Wenger stated his case thus: “That was not an 8-2 game.”

The implication was obvious: the game’s annals are littered with games of that very score-line and whatever we deduce ordinarily from it was, on this one, not the way to go.

Was he right? Here, we study the circumstances of some of the more famous 8-2 games and see what patterns emerge.

Real Madrid 2-Brazil 8

A little like the game on Sunday, Real Madrid could argue that a missed penalty in this one changed their fortunes. They perhaps had more reason to feel aggrieved about its non-conversion given that it was taken by their mate Gary as they were out the front paying the pizza bloke.

Returning to the Xbox, and resolutely un-amused by the developments, they were further incensed by Brazil’s offer to ‘let them score’, which they deemed a huge insult. This was possibly on their mind when they spurned a glorious opening to level things, presented after uncharacteristic dalliance in the Brazilian backline, which the away team swore was down to temporarily switching their slice of pizza from left to right hand and nothing untoward.

Ill discipline crept in during a second half dominated by threats to abandon the game and a warning that they wouldn’t be pausing if Brazil needed to use the toilet, as they should have thought of that. A shameful evening in the club’s otherwise grand history was capped by a post match interview which centred solely on when they could expect to collect the money from everybody else for the pizza, not to mention the crate of larger they had all been happy to pilfer from.

Overly Keen Dad 8- His Bored Son 2

Making impressive use of the landing’s cramped surface, the home team raced in to an early lead against opponents who only began to settle in to game after a swapping of sides allowed them a better view in to the living room where the television had been left on as a condition of the game going ahead in the first place.

At times a cagey affair, the game sprung in to life during the thrilling period when six of the victor’s eight goals were scored, though some
were left wondering why the rule that dictated shots off the door handle counting double was only introduced after the feat was managed three times in five frantic second half minutes.

Marseille 8- Manchester United 2 (Monaco, 2011)

Despite being on the right end of it on Sunday, even Manchester United have fallen victim to this most famous of score-lines. You will remember the fall out and recriminations. Indeed, Fabien Barthez has not been spotted near a Manchester United shirt since appearing in
goal during this defeat. Admittedly, he hadn’t been spotted near one for the eight years previous to this defeat either. But the continued selection of David De Gea since the season started still feels like a very public snubbing for the Frenchman.

Frankie’s Brother’s and his Mates 2-8 Frankie and his Mates

As Frankie pointed out in his post match remarks, five-a-side only meant the amount of players on each side, not the amount of goals they
shared. And, as his brother countered, it didn’t mean that either, given the two players who had turned up ten minutes in and joined Frankie’s team on the basis that they didn’t know his brother that well.

Accrington F.C 8- 2 Wolverhampton Wanderers F.C

This is the earliest recorded 8-2 in English professional football, and, until Sunday, was also the most recent. The following day’s Times were surprisingly limited in their coverage of the game- contrast with the media’s reaction to the weekend’s events at Old Trafford- though that may have been due to the outbreak of hostilities. As the teams left the pitch at the end of the game, the word was already coming through of the fighting taking place in Cape Colony which was to spark the beginning of The Boer War.