"I keep looking at him and smiling...he smiles back"- Alan Pardew on Jose Enrique
The venue where we spend the majority of our waking life, our place of work is an ideal place to form bonds and meet people. Many a glorious coupling began at the photo copy machine, and of course a great many ended there too. However, given the close and involved nature of the working environment, it’s best to take precautions and not rush in to anything. It may seem like a good idea to declare your feelings after three gin and tonics at the Christmas party, but try to keep in mind that you will have to see the object of your affection again. There is nothing quite as awkward as the moment when, as manager of Newcastle United, you run in to an old crush in the Players’ Lounge at Anfield.
Before you do anything, it’s best to deduce whether your feelings will be reciprocated. Never an open and shut thing, there are nevertheless signs that indicate whether pursuing your interest will be welcomed by the source of it. And once you have spotted these signals, you can
best decide on a sensible course of action conducive to a healthy, long term relationship which leaves you both satisfied. Here we do our best to guide you through the dos and don’ts of the early, often stressful but always thrilling, stages of the workplace wooing of your first choice left back.
*Study body language. Does he smile a teeth showing smile if you use the word ‘we’ when outlining your hopes for the coming season? Does he appear to be giggling with friends whenever you look over during a briefing on defending corners? Is he paying particular attention to his hair- shampooing it when you try to go through his new contract offer, for example? These are known as ‘cues’- or ‘tells’ if you’re a
poker player- and largely involuntary indicators of attraction. (This may also help explain why the team appear so reluctant to have you over for poker nights.)
Be warned that a lot of players give off these cues without particular concern for their coach, so, before assuming anything try and study how he acts with other managers when he’s chatting with them and his agent over coffee in the training ground’s canteen.
*Establish communication. Initial attraction is one thing, but few people are likely to act solely on piqued curiosity. A rapport needs to be formed. Introduce yourself- explain who the hell you are and what the fuck happened to the last guy. It may feel like you’re being a little forward, but remember that most footballers are used to being approached by a new Newcastle United manager and are unlikely to view it as big a deal as you do. Tease and make him laugh- a self-deprecating quip about your time at Charlton should loosen things up nicely.
*A lot of people wonder about the more traditional gesture and whether or not it is appropriate. While caution is advised, a little romance never hurt, and offering to carry his wash bag and boots is a perfectly harmless and charming way to forge closer contact and impress with your chivalrousness. It’s crucial to not be seen as a pushover, though, politely refuse any request to give him your back a minute so he can tie his laces.
*Be yourself. More accurately: be yourself as stipulated by the exact terms of your contract leaving no room for deviation, repetition or hesitation.
*Be seen with other full backs. While being careful to not mislead anybody, it would serve a certain purpose for the full back you harbour thoughts for to see you communicating in a relaxed manner with as many other full backs as possible. This theory is known as ‘peer approval’ and any hurt feelings on James Perch’s part when he realises the nature of your scheme will most likely be softened by his relief at his presence in at least one of your plans for the season.
Be careful to avoid the trap fallen in to by characters in American teen sitcoms when seeking advice from the plain girl on how to
attract the bombshell- which is to say, don’t suddenly realise that it’s James Perch you’ve wanted all along when it’s too late and he’s already going to the prom with somebody from his after school science club. That wouldn't be fair on James Perch.
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